Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
