my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
