Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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