The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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