He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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