Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
