im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize