literally had 100 drinks last night.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
