If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My liver just had a heart attack.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
