He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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