When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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