Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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