My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize