Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
