Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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