Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
