you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
