Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
