I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
