i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
