I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
