he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
