sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
love makes seman taste better
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
