Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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