We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
