Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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