I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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