who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
