she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
