there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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