Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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