Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
