You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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