we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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