If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
