he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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