Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think your dad took our porno
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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