I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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