What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
