i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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