I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize