I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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