I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
