I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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