need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
