Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
