He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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