god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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