its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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