one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Drunk is not a location!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
