I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
