So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
