This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
