i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
