Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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