How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
