STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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