I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
