when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
