All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize